Meet Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Wrestler turned actor with movies such as The Scorpion King and The Rundown under his belt. He’s got muscle, charisma and Hollywood looks to die for. He’d make the perfect Greek hero wouldn’t he? Meet Brett Ratner, Mariah Carey’s favourite video director and also the director of the pilot episode of the heavily missed show Prison Break. He’s also credited with the Rush Hour trilogy and Red Dragon. All these ingredients will only leave you with one question; WERE THEY SMOKING OPIUM WHEN THEY FILMED THIS MOVIE?!?!?!

The movie starts off with the narrator depicting the twelve labours done by Hercules which has you breathing out a sigh of relief as you realise they’re sticking to the story but that’s where the happy gasping ends. The plot has the titular hero and his band of mercenaries being approached by Ergenia, daughter to the King of Thrace, and asked to train the King’s army to battle with a warlord named Rhesus. The plot seems reasonable enough and the actions scenes are bound to be magical but dear lord, are they soul sucking.
This movie is bad..bad..bad.. horrible. Maybe the ingredients were too perfect to the point where the movie could only go one way and that’s downhill. The action scenes seem too limited which raises the question that maybe the producers took the safe route just in case the fighting got too much but in reality, this movie isn’t enough. If you have to watch it, watch the first and last ten minutes of the film.

But alas, my heart was broken to the point where I can’t even smell what the rock is cooking. Don’t do it. Don’t see Hercules. See Guardians of the Galaxy instead.

5/10

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