Guess who’s back, back again. Jon Snow’s back, post it on Twitter.
Yay! Jon Snow’s back , a little traumatized and pale. Like really pale.. Can someone please get him some sun? So is he still the character that so many people fell in love with or is he now a mindless zombie bent on eating our brains? Considering he remembers being stabbed to death and realizes that he should be.. well, not here. he’s still our little Winterfell Bastard. although he did need Ser Davos‘ help in just sitting up.. in his defense he just came back from the land of the unliving.

By the way, Jon Snow was dead for almost two days. How long does it take someone to become a whitewalker?

Speaking of the dead, Ned Stark is back..except he’s in his twenties and attempting to rescue his kidnapped sister. Yes, another courtesy  flashback brought on by Bran Stark and his Three-Eyed Raven friend.  Where are we? With the Three-Eyed Raven by his side, he journeys back in time to the last battle of Robert’s Rebellion, where we find Ned Stark and Meera‘s dad, Howland Reed, fighting sword to sword with swordsman Ser Arthur Dayne. The swordman is so skilled that he kills two of the Stark bannerman before knocking off Reed. however, just when it seems that he’s going to kill the lovely Ned, Reed gets up and stabs Dayne in the back. okay, so swordsman down now what? well rush off into the tower and save the lovely Lyanna Stark of course. one can only imagine what he found in there..*cough*read the books*cough*.

All Hail Khalessi! Daenerys has finally met her fate and looks somewhat intimidated byroyal Dothraki widows, the Dosh Khaleen. So is she sentenced to a life of knitting or horse-heart eating or whatever it is the Dothraki elderly do? No. she actually has to have permission to live out the rest of her days with the widows or.. This is Game of Thrones. you can guess the rest of that sentence.

Cut to Meereen and what do we find? Varys making threats and not to Littlefinger. It’s clear that the eunuch has had to find alternatives to ‘little birds’.

Back in King’s Landing, we find Cersei, Jaime, and her.. guard Ser Gregor Clegane scaring small children because why not. they also attempt to intimidate the Small Council but considering who sits on it, their uncle and Cersei’s..grandmother-in-law(?), they should probably find another solution to their problems.

Hey look, King Tommen’s balls suddenly dropped. Look at him confronting the High Sparrow and demanding that mommy dearest be allowed to see Myrcella‘s tomb. Ncaaaw. it’s a shame he just got blatantly manipulated and sent on his way. This High Sparrow though…

Hey look, it’s Arya.. or ‘The Girl’ as she’d rather be called. She’s still blind and it’s clear that the Waif is having fun with it. That is until Arya consults her inner sensei and now she can fight blind! Whoop whopp! Her inner journey was so impressive that Jaqen H’ghar gave her her sight back. If she looks quick enough, she might spot the egg on the Waif’s face.

Hey look, it’s that sociopath Ramsay Bolton and someone has a gift for him. Pretty sure he’ll probably skin it alive so why don’t we just skip this part where.. OSHA! Wait but that means.. RICKON STARK! What was that wilding feeding him because he’s grown so much. And his direwolf is.. dead. his direwolf is dead because that’s a thing now for some reason. Only ones that remain are Ghost, Bran’s Summer and Arya’s missing Nymeria who has more prominence in the book. So we haven’t seen Osha and Rickon for almost two seasons and now they’re brought to us in the presence of the resident Winterfell Psycho. Gee.. thanks.

shouldnt have

Okay, so what happens when your men stab you to death and you get brough back to life but a 2000-year old fiery woman? Hang the traitorous shits of course. Which Jon did but not without some form of remorse, including for that little bastard Olly. Meh. Little shit deserved it.Jon is so distraught that he takes off his coat and hands it Edd.. he also hands him the keys to the castle because ‘HIS WATCH HAS ENDED’. WHAT?!! I waited a year for you to come back and now your watch has ended?!! Are you f..

 

censored

 

 

Okay, I’m back. considering Jon Snow is part of the undead realm of society, I suppose his watch has technically ended. One can only hope that he makes his way back to Winterfell and slices a couple of Boltons.

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