OH-EMM-GEEE!!! No, I’m not referring to the fact that I have severe insomnia but to the fact that this is the last episode of Game of Thrones… WTF am I supposed to do for the rest of the year? Nonetheless it certainly ended with a bang, literally. I respect anyone who does their bets to not be part of the norm but after this episode, Game of Thrones is legitimately the best written show on TV, possibly ever and if you’re not watching it you’re not a rebel, you’re an idiot. This past episode has will have the show winning Emmys like crazy. Heck even the Unsullied will win an Emmy for best supporting cast. Let’s recap shall we…

The episode starts off with the trail of the century with everybody getting ready for Cersei’s trial in the Great Sept of Balor in King’s Landing. Firstly Loras confesses to that whole homosexuality thing and denounces all his titles before being branded on the forehead like a cow. Now where’s the Queen Reagent?

Cersei looks like she’s ready for war, sweet Jesus girl it’s only a trial. But then again, the way the last trial ended can’t blame a girl for being prepared. As Tommen is about leave for the trial, mummy dearests favourite hound dog stops him and over in the Great Sept of Balor, Margaery notices both his and Cersei‘s absence but the High Sparrow doesn’t pay her any mind. She drops her righteous act and tries to leave with the newly branded Loras but the High Sparrow won’t let her and his minions block them and everyone else from leaving.

Meanwhile Qyburn has Maester Pycelle lured to the depths of the city and he and his adopted batch of little birds stab Maester Pycelle to death. I was wishing for his death but man, what a way to go.  One little bird lures cousin Lancel to the depths as well and she stabs him before running off. He looks around and realises that there are candles that are about to go out… in a puddle of wildfire. Furthermore, there are cases of it everywhere. I was hoping Lancel would crawl fast enough to blow out all the candles then something hit me; remember Bran’s vision?

Cersei smiles at the green smoke and sips her wine. Wouldn’t hurt if she poured some out for the fallen hommies. WTF. MARGERY IS DEAD. NOOOOO! SHE WAS SO SMART AND PRETTY!

Gregor Clegane takes off his mask and it’s as horrifying as it sounds. Cersei does end up confessing her sins to a Sister Unella (I fuck my brother because it feels good to feel him inside me.”) who is shackled to a table before leaving her with the hound and mocking her with the words ‘shame’. Guess it’s time for some good ol’ raping.

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After removing his crown, Tommen does the ultimate deuces when he walks to the window overlooking his mother’s actions and basically drops out the window. Well that’s three deaths, I guess Maggy the Frog’s prophecy came true about Cersei outliving all her children.

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Sansa Stark speaks to Jon and apologizes for not mentioning the whole Vale army thing. He brushes it off and tells her that she saved them and Winterfell. She also mentions that they got a white raven; WINTER IS HERE. FINALLY!

Davos finally finds out the truth about Shireen Baratheon’s death and he’s not taking it well. He calls Melisandre’s blind faith BS: “If he commands you to burn children, your lord is evil.”  I was hoping Jon was going to try execute Melisandre and then Longclaw would end up bursting into flames and Jon would turn out to be Azor Ahai but instead, he ends up exiling her cause you know, he kind of owes her after the whole ‘bringing back to life’ thing. Meanwhile, Littlefinger believes that Sansa is the Lady of Winterfell and warden of the North. He says he will declare for her and she has a nice little comeback; “You’ve declared for other houses, Lord Baelish; that’s never stopped you from serving yourself.” She seems ready to rule, that is until all of the Northern houses declare Jon King in the North. Awkward.

Bran Stark’s last vision before becoming the Three Eyed Crow is a vision that booklovers (including yours truly) have been looking most forward to. The parentage of Jon Snow is finally revealed. A dying Lyanna Stark pleads with her brother, Ned Stark, to protect the child she just bore. And for all those doubters out there, the scene of the baby’s face directly cuts to a close-up of Jon Snow. Which means that Jon is Daenerys‘ nephew, and he has a much stronger claim on the Iron Throne than she does. Wait, does this mean that they’re not going to hook up? I’m not all for incest but I can still ship this relationship.  Also, He’s still a bastard… just not a Stark one.

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Lady Lyanna Mormont once again steals the show. She undoubtedly has the biggest balls in the whole of Winterfell swearing her allegiance to Jon Snow and calling out various houses for not having his back when he asked for it. Furthermore, once Jon is called Lord of Winterfell despite being a bastard, Sansa and Littlefinger share a look. Guess that’s the thanks she gets for bringing an entire army to their rescue.

Olenna Tyrell, in mourning black, is in Dorne. The Sand Snakes are pretty sassy but they’re no match for the Queen of Thrones. She tells Obara Sand she looks like an “angry little boy,” tells Nymeria Sand “Do shut up, dear,” and tells Tyene Sand to “Let the grown women speak. She and Ellaria Sand form an alliance on their mutual hatred and desired vengeance against Cersei Lannister. Varys shows up and utters three words “Blood and Fire”.

Over in Meereen, Daenerys Tagaryan dumps Daario Naharis. Well technically she commands him to stay in Meereen while she goes a hunting for her thrown (She’s on her way to Casterly Rock which belongs to the Lannisters… Well what’s left of them). She also names Tyrion Hand of the Queen and I have a strong feeling that that’s not going to end well.  Samwell Tarly arrives at Old Town, with Gilly and baby Sam. So yeah, that happened.

At The Twins, Walder Frey is celebrating “his” “army’s victory at Riverrun but Jaime Lannister reminds him that it was his army that did the work so why in the hell do they need him? I heard these words play in my head when the young serving wench who was checking Jamie out decided to slice open Walder Frey’s throat. Since when does Jamie send others to do his dirty work? He doesn’t.

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A girl truly is Arya Stark of Winterfell and she’s back to her list. Walder Frey has been unwittingly eating meat pies that contain his sons. Arya slits his throat in the same place where they killed her mother and brother. Bran once told a story in Season 3 following the events of the Red Wedding. A cook in the North served a king who had done him wrong a pie that contained the king’s son, deeply angering the gods. They weren’t angry because the cook was a murderer nor the king an unwitting cannibal, but because the cook had killed the son, who was a protected guest in the house. Kind of like Catelyn and Robb were protected guests of the Freys. Guess Bran always had a knack for sight-seeing huh.

Jaime Lannister rides back to King’s Landing just in time to catch the smouldering remains of the sept and the coronation of his sister as the once-again queen. Jamie has the moniker of Kingslayer because he stabbed a man in the bank for wanting to do exactly what Cersei just did. And shall we look at Maggy the Frog’s prophecy one more time;

Cersei: When will I wed the prince?
Maggy: Never. You will wed 
the king.
Cersei: I will be queen, though?
Maggy: Aye. Queen you shall be… until there comes another, younger and more beautiful, to cast you down and take all that you hold dear.

Cersei was never actually Queen and sole ruler of Westeros until now… (No heirs left #BRINGBACKGENDRY) Which beauty shall cast her down? Well if we take Bran’s visions into consideration; probably Daenerys.

 And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.

Valonqar means little brother in Valaryian and yes; Jamie and Cersei are twins but she was born first and after that look he gave her. Queen Cersei needed her children to give her some humanity but now… Now Jamie and Brienne can ride off into the sunset together.

We see glimpses of Theon and Yara Greyjoy aboard a fleet as Daenerys finally sets for Westeros with a fleet full of Dothraki and Unsullied warriors. Heck even Varys is with them after being in Dorne where he proposed an allegiance with Lady Olenna and the Sand Snakes.

Death List:

  • Margaery Tyrell: you played a fine game and hey, you got to be Queen.
  • Tommen Baratheon: Too sweet for this show.
  • Loras and Mace Tyrell: Mace was comedic relief and Loras… well he was branded so I’m sure he didn’t mind his death much.
  • Kevan and Lancel Lannister: Meh
  • The High Sparrow: YAS!
  • Grand Maester Pycelle: The ultimate ass-kisser.
  • Walder Frey and his sons: The Starks send their regards biatch.

I bid you all a farewell until next year..xx…

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