Life is funny isn’t it?
You go through so much and then one day, it’s all gone. All that pain that you’ve experienced at the hands of others is no longer there. You’re finally free of them.. but now what?
What happens when you get so used to the pain that you don’t know how to function without it? You’ve gotten so used to being strong but now you don’t even know how to just exist. Like a junkie, you’re going through withdrawal. You miss being miserable. But at the same time, you hate it. You try by all your might to self-sabotage your self-sabotage. You surround yourself with as many people as possible, cracking jokes and trying to be normal. You only go to bed when you’re exhausted so that you don’t have to lay awake thinking of everything you avoided thinking about during the day.
You miss it. You miss being sad and miserable and you find yourself hoping for things to go bad, hoping for something horrid to happen so that you have an excuse to walk around with your head down whilst throwing the world’s saddest pity-party. But you don’t want to be sad and miserable, you want to be joyous and festive. Yet, the only time you remember being joyous and festive is when you’d put on your masks so that people wouldn’t ask you the what’s wrong question and make you realise how nothing’s right. You want to be happy but it’s such an alien feeling that you can’t allow yourself to accept it. Better the devil you know than the one you don’t.
And then, there’s the fear. What if it’s all just an illusion? You let go and allow yourself to be happy and then what happens if it falls apart? Your scars have finally healed and you promised never to bleed again and yet, what if the clouds gather and wash away any hope you had of being happy? What if all happiness is is an illusion to lure you into a false sense of security so that it can rob you of everything that you hold dear?
Reading back, one thing is clear; you’re scared. It’s not about you being comfortable in your pain or weary of your joy, it’s about you being scared because you don’t know what you are without pain. Your identity has been so engrossed in you being strong and pulling through no matter what and now, there’s no longer a need for you to be strong or pull through for anyone. There’s no longer a need for you to wear any masks or draw any fake smiles. There’s no longer a need for you to be anything than what you are. You can be yourself without the pain and misery.. But who are you though?.. Like I said before, now what?